A few days ago was Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura’s disappearance day. I remember that it was also Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura’s appearance day when I had my visa interview. The interview turned out to be a cakewalk. At that time, I felt things are happening under divine direction.

We often like to connect ourselves to something great, and in that way, indirectly proclaim that we are also great. A couple of years ago, a devotee asked me my birth date and checked the tithi on that day through an app. It turned out to be the disappearance day of one of our beloved acaryas.

But does this really make any difference in our aspirations and contribution? Sadly, not much.

The year I was born, around 369,000 babies were born every single day. I share my birth date with almost 370,000 other people. What is so special about that? Nothing.

I might have received my visa appointment on an auspicious day, but does that mean I will only perform auspicious things throughout my life? Definitely not. In fact, after coming to America, I have practically not done much apart from getting distracted!

Revisiting My Deepest Desires

Recently, I have been re-thinking about my deepest desires in spiritual life.

HH SB Keshava Maharaja says, “We must hear our deepest desires, and not the loudest desires. And work for the time when our deepest desires become our loudest desires.”

I have many loud desires that constantly demand my attention and consume my time. But are those really my deepest desires?

We need to repeatedly go back to the basics and revisit our desires. Are they strong enough? Are they deep enough? Are they worthy of becoming the driving force of our lives?

Creating Deep Aspirations

I feel that before we can have deep aspirations, we need to plough the field of our heart and make it fertile. Otherwise, even if the seeds of higher aspirations are sown, they will not go deep. They will remain superficial and eventually wither away.

I remember once speaking with a friend that I do not want to lead a mediocre life. But then, what does a mediocre spiritual life actually mean?

A mediocre spiritual life is not defined by having fewer accomplishments, fewer accolades, or fewer skills.

Spiritual advancement is not measured by external achievements. Mediocrity in spiritual life is when we forget to love Krishna. Mediocrity is when we stop endeavoring to please Guru and Krishna in whatever little ways we can.

Mediocrity is when we dilute our practices, compromise our ideals in Krishna consciousness, and slowly allow ourselves to be shaped by external influences. Mediocrity is when we stop living according to our relationship with Krishna and start living based on someone else’s expectations.

If my aspirations are not deep enough, perhaps I am lacking in faith, gratitude, or determination.

I am grateful to Srila Prabhupada and our acaryas that they have given us the ultimate goal of life. I can also say that there are certain things in bhakti that I genuinely love — reading the books of Srila Prabhupada and our acaryas, hearing lectures, serving prasadam, and serving devotees in whatever ways I can.

But if someone asks me, “What are your deepest aspirations?” what will I answer?

Understanding My Needs

Before forming aspirations, I feel I need to understand my own needs. Nobody else can discover them for me. I feel that if I have certain things in my Krishna consciousness, I can continue moving forward nicely without too many problems.

Like-Minded Association

Our aspirations are awakened, formed, and kindled by the association we take. For me, more than aspirations, association has always been the inspiration that has kept me moving in Krishna consciousness.

One thing I deeply miss in my life is like-minded association. Sometimes, we need to be deprived of something to understand its actual importance. Now, months later, I am realizing the same!

Open-hearted devotees who share their successes, struggles, realizations, and experiences are rare to find. Such association gives us strength and reminds us of what truly matters.

The question is — how do I seek and cultivate such association?

I remember a time in my Krishna consciousness when I would pray daily for three things: association of exalted and like-minded devotees, going deeper into the study of scriptures and chanting of the holy names, and never getting deviated from the path of Krishna consciousness.

Perhaps I need to revive those prayers again.

Writing

Writing is one thing that I never want to give up.

But I can write only when I am in the mode of learning, experiencing, and reflecting on Krishna consciousness and the world around me.

Writing helps me process my realizations and understand myself better. My writing has always been a part of sadhana, more than a part of sharing with others. I just happen to share what I reflect upon.

Travelling

Now that I have come to another place, I am realizing something about myself — I miss travelling.

I have been stationed at one place for many months now, and this has rarely happened after I came to Krishna consciousness. Earlier, I was always moving from one place to another, either for preaching, or for yatras, or for spiritual inspiration.

A month ago, I went to New York, and it was a very refreshing experience. Recently, I went to another place and that has also helped me understand myself better.

Not travelling merely for enjoyment, but travelling for connecting myself with Krishna in a better way either through the holy places, or through nature, and travelling for sharing the gift of Krishna consciousness with others.

What Are My Aspirations?

Beyond my needs, what are my deeper aspirations?

One of my biggest aspirations is to go deeper into scriptures — to extract pearls and valuable jewels of realizations and understand their practical application, and apply the same in my life.

Another aspiration is to become a good devotee with genuine Vaishnava qualities like humility, tolerance, gratitude, and sincerity. I do not know how many lifetimes that will take, but I aspire for it.

Yet another aspiration is to somehow please my spiritual master in some insignificant way by becoming his worthy disciple.

Again, I do not know how much time this will take, but this aspiration resonates deeply with me.

Are My Deepest Desires Becoming Deeper?

I do not know how long it will take to move even an inch closer to them, but perhaps the journey itself is the purpose.

Now my responsibility is to deepen these aspirations and ensure that the loudest desires of my mind do not overpower the deepest desires of my heart — however shallow they may appear at the present moment.

Because ultimately, spiritual life is not about becoming great in the eyes of the world.vIt is about becoming sincere in the eyes of Krishna and Guru.