Day before yesterday night, I was feeling some kind of pain in the chest in the evening. I was having little difficulty breathing as well. I felt it a little troublesome. I thought it may be some external muscular pain. I applied oil, rubbed on the chest and neck, slept and got up in the morning for chanting. While chanting, again a similar kind of pain from the throat down to the chest started.

While chanting, some thoughts were reeling in my mind. If I get a heart attack, or other disease and if I die today, what would be my destination?

Answer came from within – Destination definitely would not be back to Godhead! With my current level of consciousness and current practice, only Krishna knows where will He send me! All my shortcomings, my lazy attempts, my pathetic service attitude emerged from the background! “I need a lot more time!” I said to myself.

I was reflecting, “Have I got the sufficient amount of currency to buy the ticket needed to go back to godhead?”

Definitely, I did chant a lot of rounds.
But did I chant in the mood of pleasing Krishna?

I did praise the Lord by singing a lot of kirtans. And yes, many people appreciated those!
But was my desire to really praise the Lord?

I did give a lot of lectures to inspire people. And people came back to me to tell how they got inspired!!!
But was I myself inspired in my practice? Or was I like the signpost that tells others the way, but remains on the same position!!

I did a lot of services.
Oh really?!! But what was my attitude in doing those services?

I stayed in the association of devotees!!
Yes, but did I really TAKE that association, and let my heart get absorbed in that association???!!!

I thought – The only currency that can take me back to Godhead is when I get the sincere blessings of devotees. My going back is dependent upon how much I have pleased them. What hope can I have myself? Narottama Dasa Thakura rightly says – chāḍiyā vaiṣṇava-sevā nistāra pāyeche kebā, which means that unless one serves the devotees, one cannot get liberation from the material clutches. Shrila Prabhupada quotes it so often in his purports.

All my attempts to serve, all my attempts to chant, do kirtans, worship the Lord are meant to attract the blessings of Hari, guru and Vaishnavas.

Rather than filling my pocket with that currency which can yield me eternal seva in the spiritual world, why should I fill my pockets with the temporary things of this world, the fickle praise and adoration of this world which are good for nothing? If we wish to count our currency, we must count how many sincere blessings of devotees we have received through our practice, our services and all our endeavors. If that is done, then life is successful.

Our sadhana is meant to attract krpa, or grace. And our seva is also meant to attract krpa. If grace descends, then any of the external things do not matter at all.

SB 5.5.5
parābhavas tāvad abodha-jāto
yāvan na jijñāsata ātma-tattvam
yāvat kriyās tāvad idaṁ mano vai
karmātmakaṁ yena śarīra-bandhaḥ
As long as one does not inquire about the spiritual values of life, one is defeated and subjected to miseries arising from ignorance. Be it sinful or pious, karma has its resultant actions. If a person is engaged in any kind of karma, his mind is called karmātmaka, colored with fruitive activity. As long as the mind is impure, consciousness is unclear, and as long as one is absorbed in fruitive activity, he has to accept a material body.